Peter
during his meeting with Jesus on the sea of Tiberias, (bo7eyret tabareya)
Jesus saith to Simon Peter,
"Simon, Son of
Jonas, Lovest thou me more than these.
Peter
Replied: ........
I am alone without you
I am very alone, when I was on the mountain I
saw you, you were there glorious, we saw you shining literally.
We did not want to leave.
I wanted to build temples for you and your
guests, but you never replied me.
We could not handle the glory.
we slept
and when we woke up you were alone, "baqa
yasoo3 wa7doh."
We heard the voice saying, "this is my
beloved son."
it was like a thunder to our hearts!
We could not handle this!
After that you took us down the mountain, I did
not want leave the mountain top. but as if you wanted to tell us that we are
meant to live the glory in our hearts and to live in the valley.
There was a demon in a young man whom we
couldn't cast away. But you did casted us on our behalf, it was a very easy on
you, very hard on us.
Why did you leave us!
We are addicted to you
Do not leave us.
Another time, you left me in the sea with my
friends, we doubted, we forgot everything, and you came walking on the sea!
I wanted to come to you, I wanted to leave the
other weary believers, I thought I am sincerer, I thought that my faith is stronger.
You made me walk on water and I made myself
drawn.
By my fear, I stopped your power, I stopped the
miracle.
But I cannot sink while you are there.
Your clear presence, even when I feared I called
on you.
I am tired without you,
I am not sure I can survive!
You know I love you, don’t you?
You know that I wanted to be with you forever,
I thought I will never deny you, how can I deny
you, without you, I am just a dead person, without you, I have no value.
With you, I found true meaning.
but I did deny you, and now I know myself better
that not only did I deny you, but I am sure that I will deny you again and
again.
Oh lord, why were you captured?
Really, why did you allow this?
I did not believe that this might even happen!
I thought you will do, like what you did when
you were sleeping, and you woke up to stop the storm!
I wanted to defend you
but you chose to be captured!
You seemed clearly that you do not care!
I told you, I do not want you to die, and now I
am seeing you captured to be tortured before being delivered to be crucified.
What hurt me most that you did not appreciate my
care to defend you.
Until that moment, I was very sure that I am
going to follow you wherever you go.
I don't know
I was trying to help you
But you were captured.
Why everything does not seem clear at all.
Everything, everything become like an illusion,
I failed to differentiate between the right and wrong.
Was I faking this experience!
Didn't I saw you glorious on the mountain before.
Sure I did saw you,
No, no, I was not sure about anything at this
point.
I was tired
They asked me whether I know you!
I did not lie when I said, "No I didn’t
know him before, never heard about him."
I do not know you
Who are you?
Are you a man whom when a dead man hears your
voice he come out of the tomb!
Or you are a man who can not defend himself and
can be captured and killed.
Are you a king, Are you a slave?
Are you glorious?
I saw you on the mountain, but you pushed us to
go down.
You refused us to stay there,
Why did you force us to go down again!
I was almost sure that I want to stay there
forever, I knew that I do not want to go down again,
What are you?
What do you want from us?
I know you love us.
And I know I love you!
Do you know, you were fulfilling every dream we
have,
You were our best friend, best teacher, best shepherd,
best father.
You were our king, our financial dream, our
future, our spiritual dream.
You were everything.
But you were captured and died.
oh Jesus, I must confess, that what made me deny
you was the mountain experience.
we thought that we finally found a rest for our
souls
I wept and wept that I denied you.
Everything is shaken,
I Do not understand anything.
I have mixed feeling
I miss you!
During these days, you were away in the tomb.
what were you doing?
aren't you the son of God?
Aren’t there angels to help you!
you left us alone for three days, and those
three days wiped the three years we had with you.
three years became totally unclear to us!
this weeping was my purgatory.
It cleansed me from everything.
it washed me totally.
Washed from, dreams, hopes, love, future, false
expectations and from faith itself.
I am washed totally.
after weeping, I sat down.
Don't know anything!
I do not know why you left us!
I do not know why you left me
I am here alone
if you were here I would have come to you.
even prayer is not working
I did not pray!
Pray for what!
and I did not hide
I only wept
I did not prevent praying like what I did in the
garden in the gethsemane garden when I slept!
Lord have mercy on me
do not leave me again
I need you
I never knew what happened next,
my friend John followed you
he loves you more.
He is sincerer. It was always very easy on him,
trusting you and loving you.
he is willing to pass the last few minutes with
you
I could not handle it
I ran after I denied you.
oooohhhh my heart aches
what are we going to do?
everything stopped
time
and place
Feeling PARALYZED
I was going to follow you till death, I meant
it.
but that is not death, that is the end of the
world as I know it.
the Lord, the master, the son of God, the son of
man crucified, publicly!
Judas, my friend, suicided, he could not handle
it.
this makes sense.
I did not know what to do, the temple was
falling down, and killing everyone.
My other friends ran.
I didn’t know where did they go!
Did anyone else got hurt as Judas!
Will I ever see them again?
Where is Mary, his mother, I am not sure I can
not look at her face ever again.
Her son is surrounded by hundreds and he fed
thousands, and I am the big brother left him!
I am weeping.
As I do not know what to do.
you looked at me and it was a passionate look!
Did you really look at me?
Can not remember right!
My mind was not clear.
you were not blaming me, were you?
after this, one soldier slapped you.
it was for me, but you took it!
I am weeping, the man who made me walk on water
is being slapped and humiliated right now!
ahhh
who will hold my hand, when I sink?
Why you let me see you on
the mountain?
I am weeping, because I miss you, I love you, I
am confused, I do not know what to do?
The worst day in my life was Saturday.
Thousands of people followed nonsense.
Am I one of them!!!
Oh, how stupid I am to think you can do
anything, or myself that I will be anything.
you said you will build your church on me!!
you are a dead man.
you are a dead man!
And I followed a man who died. The man whom I trusted
most is not there any more. The multitudes screamed at you when you were on the
cross, “This man saved many people, but he cannot save himself”
Sunday Morning came.
Mary said, “he is up, he is risen, he is not
dead any more.”
This increased our confusion.
Will he appear to everyone, so they believe him?
"that is a smart idea.", I thought.
New fake dreams started.
we will rule again.
every thing will be just fine!
"But even though, how can he trust me
again?" I thought.
I also thought, “Whether I can trust you again,
whether my heart will bear such a pain again.”
Few more days and I saw you again.
I hated that from my heart!
Just did not sound true, the man who died is
risen.
I do not know you.
I wept last Friday, the amount of tears I shed,
cleared all the memories.
The good ones and the bad ones.
I want to start my life again.
Where is the reset button in my life?
I was waiting, what will you do, as a resurrected
man.
Why are you only appearing to us?
We waited several times.
You are not helping us!
I miss you.
Glad to be seeing you again.
But, my mind is not clear.
When you stopped visiting us for few days.
I told my friends about my intentions.
I will return back to my old life, to my old
job.
And the funny thing that most of them joined
me.
We did not capture anything last time,
And as usual, John knew you immediately. And when
he told me, I jumped swimming to you.
And now you are asking me whether I love you!
Yes, I love you. I love you so much.
But, I am not worthy to be working again.
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