Date June 7 2015.

Date June 7 2015.

For the past two years, I almost did not pass two days with myself. 

I used to do that before, but not anymore. 

I am very busy at work and studies.

The past week i had a chance to sit totally by myself. 

Nothing bothers my mind, just staying relaxed. 

And I am not bored, not at all, 

But I questioned my existence, Do I exist?

What proves my existence?

What am I doing by my existing?

And I questioned my dreams, hopes and wishes. 

I found myself satisfied, relaxed and satisfied. 

I read the bible. 

Nothing seems and sounds real in my life as the bible. 

I sat in front of this book totally taken by it.

I remembered many things in my life. 

They don't sound real.

That day in my school, did they really accuse me for cheating! From whom?

I asked myself, "What is the best day in your life?"

And a faint memories somewhere, but no solid clear memories.

Deep in my heart there is this monk, who really wishes to leave everything. 

It is just I do not know where I want to leave everything. 

My heart took the decision, which my mind refuses to do it. 

As if I am sitting in a waiting room, hoping that somehow that the boss realizes the short man with no real capabilities, I keep imagining that the boss ask a favor from me!

All the people around me are taller, smarter, funnier, bolder, more serious and more spiritual.

And I am sitting, as if I am totally uninterested. I do some acts depends on this feeling, that I will never be selected for him.

I sometimes get totally excited, start to stand up and shake my hands, saying, “Please look at me, give me grace and use me.”

Other times, I start recklessly do some funny, irresponsible stuff.

But I never leave this room!

For some reason, I am just here. I still have this hope, that one day I could be selected.

There is a very close friend got selected, and other who left the room totally!

In the room, while waiting, I saw a lot of people. And I met this girl  (who is in the waiting state as well) in the waiting room that I feel around her that I can be used; sometimes I imagine that getting near her will help me to be selected. Sometimes I feel that I can help her. Other times I think that both of us will be used together.

I can hear you asking, “why specifically this girl?”

I do not know, I swear I have no idea!

Looking at her, makes me feel good about me, her and the boss!

Some smart judging person, is saying now, hey, you must love the Lord with all your heart all your soul, and it is not supposed to have anyone that makes you feel good towards him.

I know my weakness. And I confess it. And I know that is a nasty thing to feel and say.

Most people just share the smart thoughts and ideas, I always find my weaknesses are easier to share!

Sometimes I go to the boss, and tell him, “hey I want this girl to be with me, to wait together or used together.” But he never replied me.

I even went to his mother, “I want you to intercede for me, to teach me how to wait and to give me this girl to be with me.” I am sure that she interceded, but nothing really happened.

I asked myself, do you afford to have a girl with you while waiting?

Do you afford having a waiting girl!

I usually reply, “No, I don’t think so.”

Also I tell myself,  “You cannot afford to have her; she is waiting humbly and majestically, while I am messing around literally while waiting!!"

So,

Mmm

You are expecting that I have a final conclusion for this mess thoughts !

Unfortunately, no.

I am just standing there, messing around in my recklessness.